Everything feels weighty.
My stomach heavy with water drunk too fast and a pounding headache, which try as modern medicine might, cannot cure me of. I don’t know why I feel like this today of all days, I don’t feel good at all. I woke up this morning in a flight of terror, panic coursing through my veins as yet again I overslept for work. I lied to my boyfriend about it, and my next paycheck will most definitely be light, but I cant help feeling it’s better this way. With the lying I mean. I already feel so inadequate against him. Held up underneath the same harsh fluorescent lighting I know I would fade first. He’s so strong in himself, even in his indecision, because at least he knows what he is indecisive about. Me? I just feel it. Maybe somebody else in the world is doing something without a care, and I just feel their share instead. Maybe I’m just unlucky in the cosmic balancing of feelings. Maybe this is the punishment I get for never crying at funerals. I don’t know. I’ve just seemed to find peace with those things long before they happen. My great-grandmother, my grandfather, I cried before they left, and may have shed a few tears when they passed. I do not wallow in grief at funerals. Maybe I should.
Maybe this is the universes way of telling me to feel things when they happen, not to put it off or pre-emptively cry before the inevitable. Maybe it’s telling me to live in the moment. Somehow I don’t believe the solution to all my problems is that easy. That balancing out some strange cosmic karma will help re-string my soul. A guitar with broken strings, that was never played properly to begin with.
I find myself so lost in relationships. My therapist says this is because I have never known a truly healthy relationship in my life. I never had anything to base mine off, so why should I know how to form my own? I choose to believe that though the relationships I saw as a child and throughout my pre-teen to teen years may have been flawed, at least they were real. You cannot hate someone until you love them. Truly, madly, deeply, as Savage Garden taught us. Life isn’t perfect, and nothing lasts forever so why do we expect love and relationships to? I saw real beauty and love, and hate, and arguments, and joy in my life. I took what made people happy in and now apply it to my own relationship, and I avoid what I saw made them crumble.
Am I not in a better position to create a long lasting relationship then the people with happy homes? Am I not better suited to adversity and perseverance in the face of change? Why must I be prejudged because my parents divorced unhappily, or my mum was kicked out of church,or that my dad was away for the majority of my youth? You know what I learnt from this? Do not stick around if you are unhappy, communicate with those you love, do not trust those with concrete rules because there are so many exceptions to them, working hard to provide for the ones you love holds no true shame. That’s what I learnt from my life.
I blame no one.
Because no one is to blame.
I am not a product of my broken home, because at the end of the day my mum and dad love me more than I can comprehend. The relationships they have are real, touchable, with problems of their own that they work through every day. I may be a child from a broken home, but that does not mean I am broken by it.