So I thought originally that I wasn’t going to post this. I thought it might hurt people, make them think about me differently, make them feel bad if they read it. Well fuck that. You have NO idea.
You feel bad? I’M THE ONE LIVING IT, I’m the one shuddering on trams trying not to touch anyone walking home with a scream stuck in my throat so loud it’s a constant hum in my mouth. I’m the one trying to deal with a new everyday that I can’t fathom as a possible forever. I’m the one doing this practically alone because no one can see in my head like I can. No one hears what I hear. No one is feeling what I feel and you have the audacity to blame me because, oh, poor baby, You. Feel. Bad.
You may feel bad, but I feel the fires and icy winds of hell. You may feel bad, but I hear the voice of reason drowned by demons. You may feel bad, but trust me baby, I feel worse. I feel so much fucking worse and this is my reality. THIS is it.
I hear a voice in my head.
It tells me things I don’t want to hear. It’s a dark voice, a rough voice, a confident tone in it’s timbre that makes me listen, makes me want to listen so it’s hard to ignore. It tells me bad things. Small things. Almost meaningless things until you really listen, and I mean really listen. Then do.
I see objects move in the corners of my eyes, skittering across the floor like mice. In the bathroom the heat makes it worse. When I’m tired it shifts like mirages across hot sand. When I close my eyes I can feel myself detaching from my body and floating, bouncing off the walls of my skull and against the roof. I dream in Japanese and get confused when they speak English, I can’t translate back the languages in my head and I wonder which one I know best, if at all, when all I can repeat is “watashi wa nemui desu. Hontou nemui desu.”. I am tired. So very tired.
I smoke too much, I drink too much, I don’t sleep or eat enough. I can’t when there’s so much stopping me from resting. From finally sleeping. I am so tired you see. I’m tired of being tired, but my eyes will not close just to feel so much anxiety it makes me grit my teeth and clench my jaw so tight it cracks in the morning.
My medication isn’t working and my life isn’t right, how can I hold down a proper job when it’s hard to think linear enough to make sense. It’s hard to interact with people for long when I just get so angry and disgusted I want to vomit into my own mouth. Or on them. I don’t think I’ve made a real friend after 2012.
I want to be alone to avoid it all. I don’t want to be around people who will just leave anyway, who I will only disappoint as I cannot make or maintain relationships with those who didn’t know me when I was sane.
I don’t care. I don’t care, I just want enough encouragement to get out of bed in the morning. I want a hand to hold when it gets too much. I want someone just to tell me that tomorrow is not a myth, and that the sun will rise tomorrow morning even if I don’t believe it will.
I’ve just had enough.
I hear a voice and it’s telling me it’s okay to stay awake. Stay awake.
I hear a voice and it’s not mine.
I hear a voice and maybe I’ll listen to it this time.